by Aliah Nicole Tejano
The slam of a window broke you out of your reverie. Your draperies billowed as a river of howling winds gushed into the room. Its crisp tendrils wormed their way into your spine. You could have sworn that you have locked that. Your bare feet gingerly padded across the carpet that encased the cell. The flesh you were wearing was far fresher than the one you are right now. A year fresher. You peeked out the window as casually as you could. The winds have softened into a calm breeze. Huh.
You locked your window once again. Echoes of running water resonated against the tiles of your bathroom as you approached. You carefully monitored the water until it has filled more than half the way. You had to account for your body weight. The house would have most likely not get sold any time soon. Haunting stories sparked by your actions and all that. The least you could have done was be neat about it. That meant no water on the floor. Part of why you chose water. You even had to cross out all the bloody ones for the sake of being neat. You did not quite like the idea of distorting your body too much either. You could even die in less than a minute. The faster it would be, the less pain you would feel. Plus, there was something comforting about resting in water.
You were wearing your best clothes with your favorite sweater. Marked wrists hidden under its long sleeves. You could, at least, look decent when they find you. You made sure your underwear would not show even when thoroughly soaked in water. You opted for more comfortable clothes. If there was an afterlife, you wanted to be comfortable while traveling around. Besides, you didn’t want to ruin your formal clothes. You folded them in a nice pile on your bed. They would have still needed that for your funeral. Bold of you to assume they would even hold one.
That was it. That was the moment you have been preparing for the past few weeks. You stepped into the water and lied down, face up. You were planning on lying face down, but you had to secure yourself inside first. Seeing a dead body could be traumatizing. Witnessing their empty glass eyes would be much worse. Plus, you didn’t know who might find you first. It could have especially been devastating for children and people with heart conditions.
The water was cold, not unlike the wind earlier. You held your breath until you have locked yourself in. You had a glass cover on your tub installed under the pretense that you were tired of things falling in. They seemed to have bought it. You only had to modify it a bit to stop it from opening from the inside. You were going to do this. No more hesitations. You had made half-assed attempts for the past half-decade of your life. You needed to stop being a coward. That was for the greater good. Okay. Maybe, that was too dramatic.
Your passing would have been little more than a mere number. All it would have been was one less mouth to feed. One less nuisance to deal with. One more step towards improvement. A progression. A riddance of a parasite. A parasite that has been leeching off an extensive amount of resources in exchange for little more than a small amount of carbon dioxide—which we could, as I imagined we could all agree, do more without. Perhaps what is most unfortunate is how whatever we feel about our insignificance would not matter in the grand scheme of things.
You had prepared some tissues on the counter. You had found out that drowned people typically get froth in their airways. You would have preferred to not look like a rabid animal, so you said just that in the note. On top of that, it was a good way to let people know you chose that. Allowing them to consider the possibility of murder would only have unnecessarily complicated things.
Bubbles float from your nostrils as a mad flurry of thoughts rush over you. Is this truly selflessness? A small relieving of the world’s burden. What could a singular addition even be to the grand scheme of things? Do you even truly believe that? Or is it true what they say about this being the easy way out? What does this say about me as a person? Is this cou rag e? Co urage en ou gh h t o b e a ble t o f ace a n un kn o w n ?Orperha ps, thi sis c owar dice. A m I runn ingawa y fr o m m y probl e m s ? W ha t w as it th at I h oped t o a c hieve fro m th is a gain¿ W as i t att ent ion¿ Yo u h ope n otYou liketo thi nkth is is genuine self—self…what? May be thIS IS onLy BecauSe OF WHaT yOu seE iN tHE PeoPle ArouNd you? maSKed, BUt nakEd. YOU rEmembER AlL ThosE sElF-dEPRecaTion JOkeS. WEre ThoSE genuiNE Or Were You ONlY pRETeNdINg do yOU seCrETLY WiSh yOu COulD bE LIKE thosE peoPle are YOU trUlY lIkE ThEm how mAnY o F tHeM dR e likEyOU bEhiNd tHe cuRtaiNs YoU uuondEr are yOu not jUST PrETeNDiN G whAt EvE N iS eM Otion d OEs iT c OUn T ii fF yo Ur chE sT w Ou Ld n ‘ t st iR I t uSE Dto d i diT nOt¿ yOu eVEN useD iT To disCeRN whetheR whaT YOu aRE fEELING IS True oR noT. WhAT aBOUt NoW WhEN IT Has STOppeD StiRRing AltogEtHER? are yoU reallY tiRed tHOugH? Or Are YoU JUST laZy? WHY can OtheRS dO iT? WhY CA N ’TYO U?WHY C A N ’TY OU WH YCAN ’ TW H Y CA N’T Y OU!! ! W H Y HYC A N T IT I WHWY HYW ACN ii wHy iS iT THat N0 0nE ElsE seeMs T0 RuN aWAY FRoM THE1R pr0BLemS? YoU’ve aTTribuT3D it To dIfF1CUlty In ADjuSTmenT To tH3 ABrupt cHangeS 1N YoUr c1RCumsTAnCEs HOW cAN YoU SaY THat aftER 5 F IVEFRE !! AKI NG Y EA RS yeArs thOUgH The auDAcitY Rea LLYthE unF0rTUNAt3 pART 0f 1t ALL was n0THiNG UUAS LaCKing. eVEryO0ne hAD bEEn tRy1Ng THeir BESt To acc0MmoDATe Y0U. Y0u weR3 GiveN eNouGh F0oD. cL0THIng. ENTerTa1NmENT. LeSS0N difFicuLtY. FunDs. privaCY. AtTeNti0n. REaSsUrANCe. breakS. HuMAN 1NTeRACtIon Y0u were G1v3N aCCeSs T0 quVlITy T3aCHiNG. F33dbACK 0ut13ts. aD3QUaT3 SheLTer. Wi-FI AcCeSs. VarioUS FAC1LItIes AND EQuipm3nt. Y0U KNow iT iN YoURs 0 u l. y e tWh yCA n’T yoUD0b 3 t T3r? yeT WH Y AR3 Y0US oS1 0W? y3 tW hY D0 yo u K e e p b1am 1nGOt H3Rs? T h is is wH ATMa keS Y0u d1F f 3 r3Nt f r o Mth 3 M. tHeY B L A meTh e M selves. Y o u, oN th3 oTh3 R haNd, i s avoi DiNg D 0iNg s 0. Th is 1S eV1De Nce tH aT @ll tHATs31 F-De Pr3 cAting Jo ke S a R 3 jU st… w 3 L 1, j0 k E S. y0 U are a J o k E $u1cid3 sUrVivoR Wh@T Doe$ TH@T s4y foR THe People RETURnED tO MoTheR n4tUre THougH? wH4t does tHat $@Y AbOuT THose $1mPLy 2 Cow4Rdice TO atTempT? WH4T does th4t $4Y @BOuT the boTchEd @tTeMPTs? wH4t DOes Th@T $@Y 4BOUt THosE Who d1d not EVen geT tHE CH@nCe to? Wh4T d0Es ThAT s4y @bouT Those p30p13 wHo WeRe RObBEd oF tH31R Ch0ic3 t0 Do $o? to0 M4Ny qUesT10n M@Rk$, M@K1Ng iT More oBVi0us tH4t Y0u’re TRYinG t00 harDso mANY qU3sTi0n m@Rks. F0R t0 f1nd me@ninG in liFe is Wh@T gIvE$ ouR eXIstence puRpoSe, DOeS it NOT? Wh4t M@KEs You ThiNK 0UR eX1$TEncE eVEN H4s 4 puRpo$E? mu$T’VE Been P@ReNTaL reliG1ous iNfLu3nc3 h0W C0uLD havE CINdErE11@ m@n4geD 41L That? EveR s1NCe y0u weRE 4 k1d, $He had B33n your f@V0R1TE oUt 0f @1L of ThEM. you HAD @1WaY$ ThoUghT THat 1T was beC4usE of HeR $trENgth to BE K1nD 0F others, De$piT3 not r3 c3 1v 1Ng aN y I n r et ur n . o h , W Ha T y ou W 0U1 DN ’t gi V3 T o G et t hA T $ U U 3 3 t 1n n0 C ENc e E b @ c K # *m n3 @ 1 ^ - ) 8 4 & + _ io m . ‘ / n f e ee . : . , .
The glass shards that dug into your flesh forced you out of your stupor. Your body instinctively buckled as it scrambled for air. You desperately surfaced through the new gaping hole in your tub cover. You ignored your wounds and the debris surrounding you in the water as you clung unto the edge of the tub.
Anguished heaves echoed the walls. You opened your eyes and realized that you had fallen asleep. Saliva runs from your mouth onto your arm. You felt filthy. You were in bloodied water. You had small cuts everywhere. Small shards had gotten stuck on the small of your back and thighs. There were glass fragments all over. Your clouded vision managed to catch a metal box at the corner of your eyes. The hygiene items it held were spilt on the floor. You should have expected that. Maybe, you should have emptied the shelf above before you got in. If it weren’t for your hungry gasps for air, you would have sighed. Clean-up was going to be exhausting. Just as the thought crept into your mind, a dark blur of movement at the end of your vision made you snap your neck toward the now open door. You could have sworn you have locked that. Somehow you did not feel so sleepy anymore.
“Well, that could have gone better.”
What? You frantically looked around. Nothing. I’m not looking hard enough. I have to be missing something. But why didn’t it echo?
“Don’t bother. You won’t see me unless I allow you to”
Your heart jumped. This could not be because of that. Right? You did recall reading about how a lot of dying people experience hallucinations, something about more brain activity. Hallucinations seem super real, right? Because this certainly does. Am I too aware of this being a hallucination for this to be an actual hallucination?
A hooded skeleton materialized on the window sill. Pitch mist adorns the hem of its robes. A touch of metal gleams under the moonlight. A scythe. The Grim Reaper.
You have to admit the company made things a little better. Even if he was just waiting for you to die.
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