by Jusse Loquias
For me, I don’t have the right reasons to live.
I do know that I have friends, school friends.
I have a big family; I don’t know them and no one knows me.
Still, I’m giving reasons to make me feel like people still want me in their lives.
Let’s say we aren’t in an online situation.
I woke up today to multiple sleep paralysis’ because I’m fatigued and had 2 hours of sleep. The first sleep paralysis felt like it was fine, I've experienced this before. I changed my sleeping position and still had another attack. I thought sleep paralysis only occurs when your sleep on your back, but I wasn’t sleeping on my back. After the 3rd sleep paralysis, I just decided to not sleep anymore.
I started the day with the feeling of regret; why did I even wake up, tiredness; I’m still sleepy, and unmotivated; just because.
I looked at the mirror and noticed the very dark eyebags I have. I look like I got black eyes on both eyes. I'll just cover them up with some makeup, no one will notice.
I started preparing my things to go and shower. I went to the bathroom and all the cubicles are occupied. Oh well, I might as well sleep while waiting for a vacant cubicle. I feel someone tugging on my shirt. Someone just woke me up because it's my turn in the shower.
I went into the shower, even though I shouldn’t. I finished showering and sh*t I forgot my towel. I was afraid to just shout out to everyone so I texted my friend. My friend got my towel but now I don’t want to get out of the cubicle because everyone knows I forgot my towel. I eventually got out and felt like everyone was staring and glaring at me. My head was just down, but I think I hear them whisper.
I started to get ready. I put on some lotion and did my make up, to cover the eyebags. I don’t exactly know what to do next. What should I do… Fix my bed, prepare my things, clean my face, brush my teeth, and fix my bed. Oh no… I’m just sitting on my bed right now. I’ll prepare my things first; notebook, pens, my assignment, and books. I think that’s all, I hope that’s all. When I finally ‘finished’ preparing for school, I immediately left and went.
When I got to school everyone was in a group and discussing something. They said it was the assignment due today. Oh, the assignment, welp f*ck me, I forgot to bring my assignment. I tried remaking my assignment, the adrenaline kicked in when the teacher got inside the room and I wasn’t finished.
The next period is Math. I kind of like the subject. I always try to listen and understand as much as I can. But when I got called, I took a lot of time because I was too nervous to answer. Not because I don’t know how to answer it, but because I’m afraid I might be wrong.
Next is Science, I hope I’ll listen today. The class started. The sun is too bright; who are those people outside; I wish I was outside; oohhh… I smell something good; I’m hungry now; I wonder if the food tastes as good as it smells. The class is over. I did it again. Why do I always stray from my thoughts?
Now it's lunch. My friends invited me to eat with them. It's so quiet, no one is talking and when I look at them it's like they’re in an awkward situation. Is there something on my face? Why is no one talking? Lunch is over.
It's time for History. The lecture was nice. I understood everything, unlike other subjects. We had an oral recitation and I did well.
The last period is PE. I felt like I had a cold but I didn’t ask to be excused because I didn’t want the teacher to think that I was making up excuses. So, we did some laps and different exercises, just like always. After that, I fainted. I just lost all my strength.
I woke up in the nurse’s clinic. No one was there but the nurse and me. She said I had a mild fever and needed to rest. She gave me some medicine. She asked if I was okay going back, to where I stay, alone. Well, I didn’t have a choice.
I bought something to eat and went back, to where I stay. When I got there, I threw myself onto my bed, face down.
My phone is ringing. I answered and my parents were calling. They got informed that I got a fever and wanted to check up on me. I didn’t say that much. I don’t talk to them anymore.
I tried to sleep but I can’t. I just ate my food and drank the medicine. I hope the medicine makes me go to sleep. But now I’m getting pinching migraines every few minutes. It’s getting worse. At this point, all I can do is cry.
Why can’t I just go to sleep? Why am I still alive?
My friends aren’t my friends. I don’t excel in my classes. I always get humiliated because of what I do. I can’t even speak up for what I feel. At this point, I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore. To most people, these are just negative thoughts, but to a lot of people, it's different. It’s worse. So, why am I still alive?
Oh, that’s right… I don’t want to die. Even if there is no point for me to be alive still… So I will still keep on making up reasons to keep myself from killing me.
But these reasons never shut out the feeling of loneliness.
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